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Pond Whales

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“What the Whale!?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Pond Whales

Pond Whales are the second smallest whales known to exist (the smallest being Queen Latifah). Some critics claim that Pond Whales are really just dolphins, but if they were dolphins, they would have been called Pond Dolphins. Those critics, they're always criticizing and complaining and don't know anything about this stuff, because I've been doing this a lot longer than them, and I know what the hell I'm talking about.

Anyway, it's just a matter of a name. You call it a dolphin, I call it a Pond Whale. So there. These animals are so dumb that they don't even know what their names are anyway, so who gives a crap?

Like the name implies, Pond Whales are miniature whales that live in ponds. They were first officially discovered by an elite team of pond biologists in 1958, but the discovery was rejected by the scientific community as "communist propaganda". Discovery Kids is by many considered the first to officially discover the whales, after they did a special on them or something. They found a whale that had been beached on the sand and took it to their swimming pool, only to find that they had none, so they put it in a pond and it had many babies. And one was ugly. And the other Pond Whales teased the ugly whale. But one day the ugly pond whale grew into a beautiful swan! Hurray! My father told me this story every night before he went downstairs and hit Mommy, and every word of it is true. Every word.

Bad news though: the beached whale died after giving babies. Turns out the pond contained fresh water and not salt water. Uh-oh spaghetti-o's